I am excited to bring another wonderful story for all my users to enjoy. The engine and the conductor. Don’t worry I will continue to write engrossing episodes of Mother S. Sayer: The ARC of Time & The Soul of Black Land. In the meantime. Enjoy the first of many exciting and thoughtful looks into life coming to you in The Engine and the Conductor: [email protected]
THE ENGINE and the CONDUCTOR
PURPOSE: Life is forcefully awakened in distress. Only then is life clearly explained and gainfully engaged. An engine is idle when it is not moving. By this meaning, an engine is ready to be put in gear when it is asked to power a structure to a desired destination. The one that controls the stress upon an engine is the one making demands of it. Who can make these separate components work together in unison?
The engine and the conductor must respect the cause that each one provides. To cause something to do something of purpose is to be mindful of its’ specifications. The engine that powers a human being is multifaceted. Many systems of the body that are no less or more important one to the other. The brain must believe in the feet as the eye leads and watches for the obstacles in the direction these parts tell it.
The conductor must be aware of all the systems of the body as it needs them all to make it to a desired destination. This story will explore enough of what is needed before the journey begins, and what it must acquire along the way in order to be ready to disembark when the carriage reaches an endpoint. Come along as the engine with the conductor discover paths that may lead to destruction or triumph.
Episode 1: Onboarding and Departure
Prologue:
(Nottbea says under her breath, ‘My hands are dry again. The weather must be changing.’ Oh what it must mean to have vanity nibbling away at the locks of hair on your head. My my my, am I acting like my mother and my grandmother shew shewing away their troubles. The third generation of ‘Denayers’ ready to strike out into the world where men have established themselves as the dominant gender. ‘Say it right Nott’a’, where White men have rooted and established themselves as the wisest and strongest of all. Huh?
It is a good thing I learned from two tenacious Black women how to handle myself in any situation that presents before me. Even if something is unfamiliar to me; I have the catch all ability for those contingencies on hand as well. It is called my common sense. This ride will be fun. I look forward to the acquisition of knowledge. The integration of those lived experiences to propel my interactions and understanding beyond the two strongest women I will ever know in my life.
‘Wahliastil’, (means the wall will never come down), my grandmother, and ‘Shilifmor’, (means my limits are far beyond), are responsible for me, ‘Nottbea’, (Nott’a means not a chance to falter), and all that will come before me will never defeat me. I know where I come from because I have their blood rising and falling in my veins like water dropping from a raging river off a mountain crashing to a valley below. Like all that lives, I will keep this truth close to my heart. Whether it is defeat looking me in the eye, or it is victory doing the same. ‘I must learn from every condition as I prepare for what comes after them all’.
I had better hurry though. I don’t want to miss this train, or I’ll have to go back home. I don’t want to get two ass whippings.).
Nottbea: This train is coursing with power. I can feel it under my feet as soon as I stepped up in the carriage. (Nott’a says this to herself unknowing the train didn’t start(come alive) until her presence was onboard. Sometimes, and every time, she like many others, will never know how it felt coming onboard a train. A train their own energy will propel down the tracks.).
Conductor: Hello, young lady. Is this the carriage car it says on your ticket?
Nottbea: I don’t know for sure.
Conductor: Let’s take a look. It says you are in coach seating. That means you can find a seat in any carriage of the train that doesn’t say first class.
Nottbea: Thank you. (Nott’a says with an Alabama twang.).
Conductor: You’re welcome. We are now able to get underway. Enjoy the journey. Much is depending on you. Much good, will never happen if you don’t put to use that upbringing you got from your grandmother and mother young lady.
Nottbea: What? Excuse me?
Conductor: Don’t answer me ‘what’ ever again. You heard me very clearly.
Nottbea: I apologize for that. You startled me. I wasn’t prepared for your statement of facts about where I come from. May I ask how you know these things about me.
Conductor: ‘I am that that will talk with you’. I go by different names. All of my manifestations are here to offer service and guidance. That’s all. You may stop this conversation at any time and I will cease this interaction. Are we in agreement?
Nottbea: Yes. What may I call you?
Conductor: You can call me the Conductor. Now find you a nice comfortable seat and get your things stowed away for the journey. I will come by later after refreshments are served.
Nottbea: Okay. (Nott’a starts to open her mouth, but the conductor speaks first.).
Conductor: Don’t worry. You have represented your family well today. Settle in. I must finish my duties. I will come by. (The conductor makes a hand gesture and gives Nottbea a warm smile of approval while turning to finish his rounds.).
————————–Watching the World go by—————————-
(Nott’a I would say squirms in her seat a little. I mean it is understandable. She meets an interesting man, or what appears to be a Black elderly man telling her all these things about herself. I mean things about the two women that matter most in her life. The ‘two people’ that literally made sense of the world to her. When she told her mother she was a lesbian she thought her world was over. When her mother stood and asked her to come embrace her; she knew what commitment meant right then and there.
Her mother did admonish her a little. Only a little when she reminded her of what she said to her daughter long ago. She began to speak to her in an authoritative voice when she was thirteen saying, ‘Nott’a, no matter what, no matter why, no matter how, you come to me with everything and anything that troubles you or makes you happy. I will love you through life and after I am dead and gone. I will never disown you. No matter what you do. Now, I will say this. I may beat the shit out of you, but it will be because I love you.’
Nott’a knew her mother and grandmother were pillars of fire to guide her through the darkest night. The only clouds in the sky to follow her and provide shade from the heat of the day. Her mother told her not to beat herself up over doubting whether her mother really loved her as she said, ‘no matter what’. She dismissed Nott’a of that, and told her to never bring it up again.
Was this ‘conductor’ offering something like that? I don’t see how. My mother and grandmother faced anything down. I mean there were times they looked at me and I thought I would melt. The harshness of their direct gaze. Needless to say I learned to clean up the foolish tendencies really quick. I metaphorically, offloaded a lot of stupidity out of fear I would disappoint them or bring their wrath down upon me.
That same energy, does this conductor really have it? I’ve never felt it outside my mother’s house. What must I do? I must engage my teachings for show. What I know now while learning what I don’t know when I speak to him.).
Nottbea: (The lunch was adequate. I don’t know what to compare it to since I’ve never been on a train before. She starts to get lost in the scenery flying by on this train route. Then the conductor appears.). Hello, sir.
Conductor: Ms. Nottbea, the engineer said to me, he is grateful to have such an engine so crafted and able to pull whatever load is deemed necessary to hook up and bear down these tracks. He says to tell you to maintain all the ‘components’ of your life to keep your engine humming. The vibrations were soothing and he appreciates the opportunity to have such promise driving this train. That beautiful sound. It is barely audible over the sound waves striking the flesh. That’s progress. At least that’s what the engineer likes to believe.
Nottbea: (Nott’a notices a more formal greeting from the conductor and reciprocates in kind.). Mr. Conductor. The engineer said that, ‘he has not had an engine like mine in a long time’? What does that mean to me?
Conductor: Address me as conductor. That is fine. Let me tell you about it. May I sit across from you? I’m on my break.
Nottbea: Sure. Well, are you sure you want to spend the time with me? I mean we just met. We don’t know each other.
Conductor: I know exactly who you are Ms. Nottbea. I’ve been expecting you for 22 years to help us get this train out of the station. You grew up Birmingham, Alabama. You graduated from Holy Family High School with honor and gained an academic scholarship to the University of North Carolina. You majored in mathematics. Out of all the employment opportunities that have now come your way. You’re torn between the private sector and the government. A Federal government opportunity looks promising right? How am I doing so far?
Nottbea: I am amazed. Why am I here? From what I can tell from a limited exposure to what life has to offer. Are there things I am here to learn from you?
Conductor: Interesting. I mean we couldn’t go anywhere without you, so it is natural that we explain what is going on to you. You are asking about what you don’t know so you can go learn it right?
Nottbea: Yes sir, I am.
Conductor: Your motor is being fine-tuned as we speak. Not many passengers that board this train, or any of the trains we conduct, ever ask about what they don’t know. Many of your years were well spent in the care of your grandmother and your mother. Honestly, I can start your training farther along the ‘way’ than most first time riders.
Nottbea: I thank God for my grandmother and my mother all the time. I must be straight with you. I hated their guts for a long time growing up. I mean their rules were restraining. I mean I finally got to a point in life where I had an awakening. I mean I realized I was stupid. For a long time I was stupid to bump heads with them. One thing I do thank God for though. They knew who they were. If I had to give a meaning to the words unmoved and unshaken, I’d just put a picture of grandmother and mother by them in the dictionary.
Conductor: (This is where the conductor begins his rapid interruption technique. To catch riders off their guard. To see how they really feel about the ones who cared for them.). Did you really? Reach that conclusion?
Nottbea: Yes, they were bitches.
Conductor: Bitches that were stuck up, or bitches that wanted you to lean toward listening to people that knew more than you. Maybe it was that they ‘trained you up’ in the right way so your energy wouldn’t be devoured by the a more greater energy that leads ‘astray’ the arrogant.
Nottbea: Not stuck up bitches, but old women that weren’t any fun. Maybe a little bit jaded as well if I could add that to…
Conductor: Jaded like a bitch that can’t get a man to stay with them? Or bitches that know what’s out there that can throw a ‘monkey wrench’ in the finest engine and fuck it all up.
Nottbea: No. My grandmother and mother cared not about a man. Secondly they laid out before me the basis of all the games that people play. I’ll sum it up like this. They told me shockingly. A saying I could never forget. ‘What do dicks and pussies get? Fucked.’
Conductor: Okay, they sure were not lesbians? (The conductor suppresses a chuckle. This young lady just did the unthinkable. Surprised him.).
Nottbea: I am, not them.
Conductor: Ah, very good Ms. Nottbea. Wait. I tried to get past. Is that it? Ahh. I got to absorb that saying. ‘Dicks and pussies get fucked?’ You are correct. That is what they get, and I assume they said that as a warning to not look to the ‘flesh’ to answer all your emotions. Right?
Nottbea: Yes. That is exactly what they wanted me to know.
Conductor: Good. So you do know that who you are sexually will not land you a position in mathematics right?
Nottbea: Just like sex not being a tradeable commodity either right?
Conductor: That’s right! Do you know how many lives are just running with an ‘out of control’ engine? I probably should say many ‘engines’ that are never started let alone put in operation. Some people have ‘engines’ that are out of control and they don’t even know it. The mechanical industry even developed a ‘governor’ that kicks in when an engine begins to overspin. It prevents the engine from responding incorrectly to the conditions of a certain situation.
Nottbea: My mind tells my body what to do is that what you’re saying? I have seen many people just living their lives minute by minute. I could never stay in their presence long because their behavior was so erratic.
Conductor: It is good you are well versed in the different motivations and personalities that are on ‘show room’ floors. There is no more explaining that can be done on that topic. Now what about your plans. Tell me what do you have on your mind?
Nottbea: Stop a minute. I’m processing your ‘show room’ floor commentary. I can see those nice sports car through the dealership window all shiny, bright and polished. Everything about it says ‘high maintenance’ right, but the same mechanic works on all the cars? Wow, philosophy. It’s powerful! Like, metaphors do cover a great deal of thought and forethought. Okay, back to your question. First, I want to be able to support myself in the way where I’m not constantly worried about whether I can afford to or not.
Conductor: Do you believe you are better than everyone else? By your ‘sports car’ analogy?
Nottbea: No no. Not at all. I’m off the ‘lot’. The new car ‘lot’ to be clear. I say that because I haven’t ‘driven’ a ton of miles yet, so I still have that new car smell. I know where I come from and I know what I’ve been taught. My task will be just like everyone else’s tasks in life. That ‘vapor’ is visible only so long right? I will stay ‘woke’ and keep my energy moving in a positive direction.
Conductor: That answer Ms. Nottbea, is acceptable. Make sure you keep it on your heart. You got to get ‘it going’ off the lot and on the road in order to arrive somewhere in life. Just you better know where you are headed. You hear me? (The conductor paused in the middle of his sentence to process the satisfactory first look at this child’s life.).
Nottbea: Yes, I have heard every word you have said to me. I’m just here to learn. Grandmom and Momma instilled in me the knowledge, but it is I that must know when, how, where and for what to use it on.
Conductor: I must say even I got some nourishment today. Too many times I have to do the uplifting.
Nottbea: Oh. Okay, that is the same way I feel sometimes around my friends who aren’t as confident. I mean that in a way that they can learn to be confident. I know I am strongest around the majority of them.
Conductor: Keep it that way. You are perceptive. Already you know that you don’t have to be ‘weak’ in order for others to feel validated. Some people will not take up their mantle. Some won’t even bend down to lift it upon their shoulders. Don’t feel sorry for them. Feeling sorry for them will not help them.
Nottbea: I’m glad I understand what is happening here. It is by the ‘energy’ you’re transferring these things to me. I had to open my ‘socket’. For lack of a better word in order to make the connection constant with you. I know. I have to unplug now. I have to go soon. Let me ask you this. Should I push for a higher salary right out the gate? I’ve been told not to sell myself short.
Conductor: Well Ms. Nottbea, only the private sector could offer a reasonably good opening salary for your level of knowledge. I mean you don’t have expertise yet. You have the book smarts, but not the hands on experience.
Nottbea: I take it then I should act accordingly to what’s available? Plan the future considering all the variables. Understand that I need to be humble in the first years of actually taking on the responsibility for my life.
Conductor: My gratitude I extend to you Ms. Nottbea. It is nourishing to know that there are people out there that actually give a dam about raising children in this world. Know this. I give more respect and honor to your caregivers. They stood in the breach protecting you from the vastness of the foolishness that roams this world looking for naïve people to devour.
Nottbea: Okay, when you put it like that, it sounds scary. I got what you meant anyway. I’m going on.
Conductor: Maybe you are ready to actually see it for yourself. Not now though. Dam show not now. My break is over. Be stout Ms. Nottbea. You are not done yet, and by the way. When you get off this train; it will remain in the station until we get a ‘new, used, old, vintage, or rebuilt’ engine. Or not.
Nottbea: For sure. Thank you Mr. Conductor for talking with me.
Conductor: Looks like we are at waypoint ‘Further”. Your stop. May the path be in sight, even if the view is blocked, as you go on your ‘way’.
Epilogue:
(Nottbea disembarks the train and notices that her bag is slightly heavier. She is sure she didn’t buy anything, or somebody put something in her bag when she wasn’t looking. No she tells herself. It is heavier for a reason. I lost some weight, what you would call dead weight, and I gained some weight. There are people out there that want to help other people do better in their lives. I didn’t know a conversation could literally boost your energy levels. A conversation could actually strengthen your resolve to ‘press on towards the mark’. There’s that living in Birmingham, Alabama doing it to me again. Talking like that.
All of that interaction would be for naught if I don’t do what I am capable of doing. Succeeding while helping others to succeed. That’s what the ‘conductor’ did for me. He said I was good company. He said I was enjoyable to be around. The ‘conductor’ also said that there are people who mean you the ‘worst’ of the world. They are as necessary as bugs for a bird. What’s the old saying down south?
‘Don’t dish it out if you can’t take it’. That means if you put it on a plate and serve it to someone else, but you would never eat it. Don’t be mad when the same is put back on a plate and served to you.
Don’t worry ‘conductor’, Nottbea says. I will keep my head about myself and not succumb to the ill will shown to me by the few. I will brush it away and let the ground turn it into fertilizer.).
